Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Let’s get some shoes.

Sallie's idea; Dan's comments in bold type

Every now and then, a trend (or 20) comes along that just doesn’t make sense and is totally unjustifiable (at least, to me). These kinds of trends come along pretty frequently in the fashion world: brightly-colored satin in summer (hello, pit stains), ridiculously high platform shoes, cartoon characters on otherwise respectable clothing. However, when it comes to footwear, I can honestly say I’ve seen few things more horrible than Crocs.

I have yet slip into these “crocs” as they are called, mostly because it’s like strapping evil onto your feet.

Never in my life have I ever seen a more ill-fitting, inappropriate-to-wear-in-public pair of shoes. They are bulky, they are rubbery, they are tacky and they have holes in them. Not that I know from experience, but it also makes sense that they would make your feet sweat a lot; like jellies (which are also unfortunate). In my research, I discovered that they were invented for boaters. However, it’s become obvious that their jurisdiction is no longer limited to bodies of water. I can see running around on a boat (where nobody but pirates would see you, anyway) wearing the foam-like shoes, but the grocery store? Come on. Get a pair of loafers or some sandals, for crying out loud. Velcro shoes would be more appropriate.

I wonder if there are some boaters somewhere bragging that they were the first to wear these shoes.

Earl: “Hey Bob, remember when you got your first pair of those boater loafers?”
Bob: “Hell yeah, Earl. Back when I started wearing them they came in two colors, grayish and almost white. Now these Croc things the kids are wearing come in all the colors.”
Earl: “I think they were just dirty Bob. I think they only came in white.” Earl spits on the boat deck and rubs it in with his bare feet. “Remember when you started wearing those rubber “live strong” bracelets Bob?”

Both Crocs and Uggs (remember those?) suffer from some of the same problems:

1) They make your feet look bigger than they actually are.

2) People wear them when they are (very) seasonally inappropriate.

3) They are incredibly ugly.

Why has it become socially acceptable to wear floatation devices on your feet? The thing that boggles my mind most is that these “shoes” aren’t typically worn by those who appear to be fashion-challenged upon first glance. Many times, I’ll see an ADULT woman wearing a button-down shirt, fitted jeans, great jewelry and expensive handbag round her outfit out by wearing a color-coordinated, but still terrible, pair of Crocs. Why? WHY?! Who told these people that this is OK?

The Greek culture surrounding The Place (my place of residence during college) was filled with the polo shirt-expensive jeans-Croc combo for the boys. Then the girls roamed the streets in a cleavage-showing tops, miniskirts and giant Ugg boots lined at the top with fake fur.

When it comes to shopping for clothing, or really anything, one of the best guidelines a person can follow is this: If it’s sold at a kiosk in the mall, DO NOT BUY IT. You’re probably getting ripped off, making a bad decision, or both.

That goes for cell phones and cell phone cases too. Think about it, what else are in kiosks: those helicopter things, Vietnamese massages, body jewelry and men trying to sell lotions. All essential to any modern mall, but all fairly annoying.

Don’t forget the fake hair clip-ins, Dan.

I was hopeful that the Croc trend would end soon, but it appears that the company making them is constantly coming out with new styles. These shoes make me long for the bodacious styles of the early ’90s. Scrunch socks, anyone?

$50 cash reward for every severed foot still wearing Crocs turned in at my house.

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